My mind is so blurry
I’m hearing your heart beating so perfectly
Your hands are trailing through my hair
Can you feel the energies intertwine?
It’s a little too late to start feeling shame
When the sun rises we will know who to blame
So many questions, not enough answers…
We stare so deep into each other’s eyes
I guess its the drugs but I see into your mind
How many times does this have to happen?
Before we realise we are each others high
I should have written this sooner but what is life if it isn’t for all the wasted opportunities and the regret that follows right? You know I like listening to Paul McCartney. You should too. I really should have forced as many Beatles albums into your head. How could I have not taught you what real music should sound like? My deepest regret. 70s, 80s music is something every generation should experience. Please don’t think I don’t like the music of nowadays. Adam, I know how much you love listening to Bruno Mars and James Blunt but there is just a way that Ben E King will move your soul. I left some Vinyl Records in the pink box that’s just under our bed. I want you to hear every single one. I really hope you listen to me this once.
Promise me, when you are free, do read philosophical books. You like fictional fantasies, I know but at least read Paradise Lost by John Milton. It has a lot to live by. ‘The mind is in its own place and in itself can make hell out of heaven or a heaven out of hell.’ This world is lonely dear. The only way we can hide from the reality of this cruel existence is to hide between the lines of great books.
Quid datur a divis felici optatius hora? What is given by the gods that is greater than the happy hour? Never live a life where you only speak one language. Explore and feed your mind with knowledge. It’s honorable to speak another language. I’d advice you take Latin. I know what you are thinking darling, ‘why is she making me do this?!’. Imagine speaking the same language as Caesar. It’s indeed hard but it is worth it. Any one with an old soul would appreciate you the way I did.
Life is about the pleasures. I want you to enjoy the patterns the stars make in the middle of the night. How the water slithers down your throat on a summer’s day. How the earth smells early in the morning. I wish I made more memories with you Adam but my comfort is knowing at least I have some memories with you. Do you remember that night in the car? I just couldn’t stop staring into your eyes. All I could think of is how I’d never want to stop looking so deep into your beautiful soul. You couldn’t stop holding my hand. It was really cold but I couldn’t picture holding anything else and feeling that ecstatic rush. You told me that we are going to grow old together. That was the truest moment we’ve ever shared and I would go back to that night for eternity, just to feel that kind of love over and over.
My last is to tell you that I will surely miss you. Our different worlds collided creating the most beautiful life I’d ever wish to have. You gave that to me my love. You brought so much color to my world and I to yours. I’m really glad we never grew up. We were just as reckless as the day we first met. Our beautiful story is not over yet darling. I’m still going to see you again. I don’t know how long it will take but I’ll be patient. After all, good things come to those who wait. Remember that I love you Adam. More than the clouds.
You were walking down the street at 7.30 PM. It’s deserted and all your life problems decided to have a slight conversation in your brain.Continue reading “The Despicable Plot”
Every single time I looked into your eyes I knew that I would never not feel loved. I could be perfectly normal with you. You never expected anything from me and I didn’t expect anything from you either. I knew that no one else could make me feel as good as you do.
When I would tell you about my past, you empathized with me and told me everything would get better. I let you read me like a book. A book filled with all the evil demons and beasts from every single fantasy. Each chapter was more depressing than the last. You still stood by me and you touched me in a way that made all my flaws feel like perfections.
We could talk for hours. I told you everything my mind knew about this disastrous life. You made me feel like even in the bloodiest moments of this war within my chaotic mind, I had a safe haven based on the assurance that I was never alone because our love kept us together.
In the loneliest hours, I’d hold you close to me. I’d make you feel like you owned the universe when you felt like you were a wounded warrior who lost in the war, bringing shame to his people, I was always with you when you felt the world was unleashing all of its burdens on your shoulders. I shielded you from every single blow that was thrown in your direction.
I never knew that every single time you looked into my eyes, you didn’t see what I would see. I saw a beautiful life that could only be perfect if you were by my side. But you, you saw a toy. A heart that only knew how to love blindly. You corrupted it to feel pain and loneliness. To only feel an ache of what would have been but never was.
I never knew that every single time I would tell you about my flaws, you would only find a weapon to use against me. You would manipulate and torment me emotionally because you knew I loved you too much to even consider leaving you.
I never knew that every single time I called you on the phone and we’d talk for hours, you were busy telling other girls how much you need them. Telling them that I was too clingy and dependent on you and that if you left me, I would never get over you. You made me look like the only emotion I deserved was pity.
I never knew that every single time I was with you in your darkest moments, I turned you into more than you thought you were. I was sacrificing every inch of my being to build your ego. The same ego that made you go after six other girls just like me, making us all feel the exact same way.
How is that you can reveal the darkest part of your soul to me and still break my heart so callously? I gave you the universe but it still wasn’t good enough.
The most painful part of this whole scenario is that I’ve been here before. My heart being shattered to the point I never knew I could feel ever again. The devastating ache of disappointment, regret, self-loathe and worthlessness, until you came into the picture… Those deep eyes that I could stare at until my soul drowned in the ecstasy of your love. I should have been able to read between the lines early enough. But I really can’t blame myself entirely because the human heart is naïve in comparison to the mind. I thought you were different.
You will go outside, have a few drinks and not be worried about everyone judging you because it is immoral to drink and it makes you a sleaze. You don’t worry that someone will take advantage of you because you are unaware of yourself. You’d go out and have a great time without wondering if you go home with a foreign gene inside your system.
You don’t have to worry because when you sleep with someone, there isn’t a mountain of judgemental freaks breathing down your neck about how you should set standards for society. They won’t call you a slut simply because you knew what you wanted for yourself. Oh how great it is when the rules will bend for your sake.
You don’t have to bear the pain of carrying a child. You can leave anytime you want because children belong to their mothers. Your only responsibility is to provide food right? But who cares, its the 21st century! What a man can do a woman can do better right? So you can just abandon ship and live your best life
You are lucky because when you walk into a job interview, they already see you as the dominant species. The only qualification you needed was to have a Y-Chromosome. That is why you can order the ladies around because they were made for man.
You can wear whatever you want and at least you won’t have to worry about being stared at on the street and seeing the others whispering so loudly that you even doubt they are whispers at all. You won’t be wolf-whistled at or grabbed like a piece of meat by uncouth savages.
No one will judge you for putting yourself first because it’s what you are supposed to. It’s not like there is a whole set of unspoken rules saying how you should behave, walk, talk or even breathe. It’s not going to be classified as ‘unmanly-like’ simply because it goes against what a specific group of people decided should be right.
Count your blessings dear man, you are more adapted to suit this society simply because of your gender.
I want you to see me for who I truly am
On the surface I am attractive – very appealing to the human eye
But when you peel the layers of my physical nature
My contents are as dark and lonely as a winter night
I dream of dark fantasies that can only be classified as ungodly acts
My actions pull me closer to a world of sin yet I relish in this gruesome euphoria
My curves are those of my crooked ways.
Sermons of how damned the sinners are
I try to change but I can’t imagine a life of righteousness
A hypocritical life is no life for people like me
I care for no consequences because I feel no regret
I enjoy watching my woes drown in agony that I myself so boldly caused
I gleefully slumber as I dream of their tortured and hopeless faces
I’m addicted to tarnishing my already tainted soul
I feel no shame knowing that people think I have no emotions
Why feel for a world that does not feel for itself?
No remedy can cure me because I am so intoxicated by this bliss
Do not waste your prayers on me for my soul is already at peace